The desire to love and be loved is an innate feeling that lies within all of us. From the moment we enter the world we seek comfort in the arms of our mothers; as we get older and enter our school age years we seek acceptance from our peers and once we become young adults we long to experience our “first” loves. This is all a part of growing up and fulfilling the basic needs of belonging, love and affection. This desire intensifies the older we become.
We watch movies, listen to love songs, read romantic novels, all of which feed our unrealistic view of what a man/woman should be. For example, Cinderella longs to find her Prince Charming, Sleeping Beauty awaits to be kissed by her Prince, and Rapunzel awaits to be rescued from that unreachable tower in the sky. These stories are engrained in us as children so it’s no wonder that when it comes to love and to finding the “perfect” mate some of us have set unrealistic expectations.
While we all want the storybook fairy tale, that isn’t how real life works. In the books the main characters don’t need to concern themselves with credit scores, baby mama drama, or pyscho exes to be dealt with. They don’t have to worry about compromise or how they are going to pay the bills this month. In the books, on tv, and in songs everyone is perfect and there aren’t any obstacles to overcome.
In real life it just doesn’t work that way and when you’re thinking about the kind of life you want to have and what your future spouse will be like you want to make sure that the person you choose to settle down with is moving in the same direction as you are. If you’re on an elevator going up and he/she is on an elevator going down the relationship will never work. You both have to be in the same place at the same time in your lives or you will never understand each other. It’ll be like talking Spanish to someone who only understands French. Miscommunication or not communicating at all are definite relationship killers. And when it comes to potential mates I find that having “great communication” is often overlooked.
Women and men alike often have a “list” of things that they are looking for in potential bf/gf/wife/husband. For example, they have to be good looking, they have to be strong but sensitive, but not too sensitive, we don’t want a wuss. They have to dress a certain way, talk a certain way, act a certain way and the lists can go on and on and on like the energizer bunny. While lists are good, don’t let it make or break your decision on pursuing a relationship with a potential “winner”. I say “potential” because although that person may not be at the level that you may want them to be at this very moment, they have potential to get there eventually.
For example, before I met my husband 12 years ago all I was into were “thugs”, bad boys that drove nice cars and were able to take me out. I didn’t care how they made their money and I didn’t care about whether they had good credit or not. I was shallow, vain, and stupid. I was only looking to have fun so all the important stuff didn’t matter to me. I wasn’t in search for a boyfriend or husband. When my husband and I met neither of us were interested in pursuing anything serious. I didn’t want a boyfriend because I was young, still in school, and didn’t want to commit to something that I knew I wasn’t ready for. However, life and God sometimes have other plans for us.
Him and I met in a club of all places. Never in a million years would I have thought that I’d meet my future husband amidst a crowded club and drunk. But I guess stranger things have happened. He wasn’t my usual “thug” type but he was cute, dressed nice, and had a nice car. That was all I was interested in. As I got to know him I realized that he had many other great qualities that had nothing to do with physical or monetary things. For one, he wasn’t a thug. He was a genuinely nice guy. He went to Catholic school as a boy and he cherished and worshipped his mom. He had a strong belief in God. He was kind, caring, and smart. He was in college and had goals and dreams for his future. He wanted to get married and have children and own a home someday. All of these things I had never wanted until he came into my life. I realized that him and I were raised similarly. We had a lot in common and we both came from good families.
He was unlike any guy I had ever dated up to that point. He wasn’t what I would have called my “type” but as I got older and the things that I wanted in my life changed he became my “type” because we both wanted the same things. I wanted to share my story because I have friends both male and female that are still searching for their “perfect” mate. Sometimes what we think is perfect for us, really isn’t. So I say that if you just open yourself up to something outside of your norm and try something new you may just find the person who is perfect for you. Don’t focus on the superficial and what’s on the outside because all of that is just a shell. Focus on the true spirit and soul of the person. Once you get out of your own way you open yourself up to what God has in store for you. We think we know what we need but only He truly knows what we need so stop blocking your blessings.♥
2 thoughts on “When It Comes To Finding Love, Are We Our Own Worst Enemies???”
Vanessa you make a very valid point when you say “AS TIME GOES ON AND WE MATURE, WE ACKNOWLEDGE THAT, SUBJECTING OURSELVES TO ONE CERTAIN THING WILL ONLY STUNT OUR GROWTH.” but not many people realize this. Instead they keep going for the same type of guy and then wonder why their relationships don’t work. If what they’re doing or who they’re dating isn’t working, then maybe it’s time that they try something different. When it’s all said and done I’d rather have a good man that loves and takes care of me than a thug “big baller” that runs the streets all night. I’m so over that. lol
KUDOS TO YOU!! I LOVE READING YOUR WORK 🙂 I’M SO IMMERSED IN IT.
AND I CAN ALSO RELATE TO YOUR EXPERIENCE. MY BOYFRIEND WAS NOT THE “TYPICAL” GUY I USUALLY DATED. LIKE YOU, I ONLY DATED THUGS AND “BALLERS.” HE IS THE TOTAL OPPOSITE. IN FACT HE’S YOUNGER THAN I, WHICH WAS NEVER SOMETHING I DID. BUT AS TIME GOES ON AND WE MATURE, WE ACKNOWLEDGE THAT, SUBJECTING OURSELVES TO ONE CERTAIN THING WILL ONLY STUNT OUR GROWTH.
GLAD TO KNOW WE BOTH VEERED OFF OF THAT PATH!