July 27, 2013

It feels like I waited a lifetime for you and by other’s standards I have. I was 35 when you were born. Most of my friends’ kids are already teenagers and here I am celebrating your first birthday. There are times when it all still seems so surreal to me. I feel like I am in the best dream that one day I’m going to wake up from.

This past year has been by far the very best year of my life. I love being a mother. I love being your mother. Avarie you have filled a void in my heart that I didn’t even realize was there until you were born. You have completed me. I know that the reason I was born was to be your mother. If I never do anything successful in my life it won’t matter because you are the best thing I will ever create. My life has meaning now that you’re here. My every thought is of you; of your well being and of your safety. Sometimes I drive myself crazy thinking about the many ways I want to protect you. Almost to the point where I am afraid that I won’t allow you to have normal childhood experiences because I’m scared that you may get hurt.

I have never really been the type to worry much, but since you’ve been born I find that I worry all the time. I worry that you will stop breathing at night while you’re sleeping. I worry that you’ll develop some child hood disease that there’s no cure for. I worry about you getting hurt or being mistreated. I watch stories on the news about children who are kidnapped and abused and worry about what I can do to protect you from all of the evil that exists in this world. It’s a scary thing being a parent and from what I am told from other parents that fear never goes away. So here I am, a virtually new mother, trying to figure out how to love and protect you without isolating you or preventing you from growing up. I still don’t know how to reconcile the two but I imagine that I’ll figure it out along the way.

As you grow up and get older I’m sure that I will adjust. I’m sure that little by little I will loosen my grip on the reigns of your well being that I currently hold so tightly. I’m not saying that I will ever stop worrying about you or trying to protect you, but I will trust in the Universe and in God’s plan for you and know that you will always be protected.

Your dad and I have done all we can to make this first birthday special and memorable. When you are older and look at the pictures I hope you see how much you are loved and how special your birthday is to us. The day that you were born is the day that all of my dreams came true.