I have been journaling since I was a teenager. There’s something about documenting one’s feelings, thoughts, and daily activities that has always been appealing to me. For me, journaling has always been my outlet for reflection. I enjoy documenting my life and then re-visiting that day 1 week, 1 month, or 1 year from the original entry date. It allows me to see how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown.
Today, I came across a journal entry dated July 12. It was 2 weeks before my daughter’s first birthday and it was refreshing to see that I am no longer in that space grappling with the fear that had consumed me for the past year. In the journal entry I committed to releasing fear and today as I reflect back on that day I can honestly say that although I will protect my baby girl with the ferocity of a lion with her baby cub I am no longer allowing fear to invade my every thought. I share the journal entry with you below in an effort to demonstrate how important the things we say to ourselves are. Every word we speak, every thought we have, once put into the Universe, miraculously have a way of giving us exactly what we spoke or thought of. I cannot stress enough the power that we each have to change our lives if only we changed our thoughts.
July 12, 2012 10:13 am
I’ve been feeling misaligned lately. It feels like I’m walking through a maze with no exit. Zig-zagging my way through life and no matter how much I walk, I always end up back at the very same place, at the intersection of Fear Street and Not Good Enough Avenue. This past year has been nothing short of what I imagine heaven must feel like. Avarie has brought me a joy and happiness that I’ve never known, but along with that happiness is also a nudging fear that I can’t seem to let go. I feel like I am afraid all the time, afraid that the Universe will realize that it made a mistake and strip me of my happiness. It is the nagging inner voice of “not being good enough” that has come back to pay me a visit and from the looks of things has no intention of leaving. It is this feeling that fuels my fears. It’s as if I don’t deserve to be this happy. As if receiving everything that I have ever wanted is wrong and having a life this good is not in God’s plan for me.
I have read enough Paulo Coelho, Marianne Williamson, Deepak Chopra, and Dr. Wayne Dyer to know that we are in full control of our lives and have within us to manifest the life that we desire. I am aware that what we think becomes our reality. I have always believed this and it is exactly how I was able to manifest my baby into existence. I wanted to be a mother so desperately that it was all I thought about. The way I lived my life was in such a way that I was already a mother. I just needed to give reality a chance to catch up with what my mind and heart already knew to be true. Eventually it did and the Universe rewarded me with Avarie Luz (my little ray of light from the heavens above).
This is precisely the reason that I need to re-connect and get re-aligned with my spirit. I need to rid my mind of all the negative thoughts and fears that have resided comfortably in my head this past year. I can’t allow them to make a permanent home there. I am aware that only we can control our thoughts and at any time have the power to change them. Now, even though I know this, it has been difficult for me to move beyond that place of fear. I have flourished in my role as a mother, but a part of me feels that if I don’t release my fears I will never live the kind of life that I am destined to live. And if I am living in a constant state of fear it will be what I pass on to my daughter. I don’t want her to be afraid of life. I want her to live life, to enjoy life, to believe that she deserves nothing but great things in her life. How can I teach her that if my thoughts and actions are not aligned?
Trying to re-connect to one’s true essence isn’t difficult, but it does require huge amounts of trust, patience, commitment and time. We have to decide to let go and trust that the Universe will give us exactly what we need. I have to re-commit to doing my self-work. I have to make time for meditation, and for journaling and for writing so that I can hear my spirit when she speaks to me. I have to re-establish weekly dates with myself. I have to love and nurture myself in such a way that I am feeding my soul exactly the nourishment that she needs.
Today I will stop making excuses. Today I will commit. Today I will trust. I will begin the journey back to myself. Today I release my fears and know that I am worthy of living a healthy, successful, and abundance filled life. Everything that I want I already have. And so it is.