Life has a way of coming full circle. This time last year I was 3 months into my journey as a Visionera (if you follow my blog then you know what I am referring to). I decided that I would commit to myself and I spent an entire year doing self-work. I decided that I would no longer give life to the lie that had me paralyzed. The lie that convinced me that I did not deserve all of the things that I’ve always wanted. I really started digging deep into myself and confronting my fears and doubts. I started a daily meditation practice to help re-connect with my spirit, to help me really listen to my inner voice. I read a lot of self-help books, surrounded myself with like minded individuals, and attended the bi-monthly Visionera meetings. In essence, I began cultivating the seeds that had implanted in my soul to ensure that the intention I set for myself in 2011 became a reality. Following your dreams is always easier said that done, but once I made that commitment to myself I knew that I had to follow through.
A number of things came up for me when I was thinking about my intention(s). There were two specific things that I wanted to accomplish in 2011. One was to complete writing and publish my first book, which I did in September 2011. The second, was to become a mother by whatever means that would happen. I didn’t want to limit myself so I was open to anything. Any way that God wanted to send me that blessing I was open to. I was all set to go. I was ready to go all in and begin working towards my goals.
However, a funny thing happens when you commit to something. The universe begins to laugh at you. The minute you think you have everything under control a roadblock suddenly appears that you weren’t prepared for. For me, it seemed like I was hitting a brick wall every time I began to think that I was making progress. For most people, when they are encountered with something that they weren’t prepared for they give up. They turn around because they convince themselves that continuing forward is just too much, it’s just too hard.
I will admit that I used to be one of those people. If something was becoming too much for me to deal with, I would give up. I would turn away from it or prolong it because I wasn’t strong enough to continue treading forward. Working with Visiones and committing to the self-work helped me to change how I reacted to obstacles when they appeared. Visiones and the self-work helped to re-connect me with my heart’s deepest desire. It taught me techniques to silence the inner critic that would occassionally pop up telling me that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t deserve it. It taught me how to take care of myself and my needs. It taught me how not to give up on what I wanted most.
So despite all of the obstacles that manifested for me in 2011, for the first time in a really long time, I didn’t give up on myself. When I got pregnant for the very first time in May 2011 and then miscarried in June, I was devastated. I was ready to give up and the old me would have. I cursed everything and everybody. I cursed women, I cursed women with children, I cursed women who were pregnant because I wondered why them and not me. I cursed God. Because what God would plant the seed and then take it away from me.
While I was going through it those are the thoughts that went through my head, but once I was able to think clearly I realized that it wasn’t a curse or a punishment, it was a blessing. See, I have been with my husband for 14 years and for all that time I had never been pregnant. A part of me felt like I wasn’t able to despite the doctors telling me that I could. That pregnancy was affirmation that I physicially was capable of making my dream come true. As for the miscarriage, I know that that baby wasn’t my baby. For whatever reason it’s purpose was not to be born, but instead to help me finally realize that I was not this broken vessel that I had always thought myself to be.
Then only 5 months later in November, something miraculous happened. I found out that I was pregnant again. The woman who had never been pregnant became pregnant twice in one year. I am now 5 months along and in July I will finally be a mother. If I weren’t living it, I wouldn’t believe it. I am the happiest that I’ve ever been and I now look at life with fresh eyes. It is because of the work that I did with Visiones that I was able to reclaim my strength, my beauty, and my power by helping me to accept myself just as I am knowing that even through my flaws I am perfect.
Last night I got the opportunity to MC an event for the founder and director of DeAlmas Women’s Institute. She also facilitates the Visiones workshop. And as I shared my story with all of the people in that beautiful space I realized how much had changed for me in just one year. I felt strong. I felt invincible. I felt resilient. I had committed to myself and made the one thing I wanted most a reality.
So as I looked out into the crowd, I was grateful. I was proud of myself and of my commitment. And to paraphrase the Alchemist, when you truly desire something the whole universe conspires for you to get it, you just have to be willing to put in the work.