Why Can’t I Find “The One”?

computer-loveMost of us remember back in our senior year of high school someone would be voted “Most Likely to Succeed”, or “Most Athletic”, or one of those many silly titles that never really meant that you would succeed or become a professional athlete once you graduated. If there were a title “Most Likely to Never Get Married”, I would have won. I say this because back then marriage was not something that I wanted. I wasn’t one of those girls that dreamed of getting married to my prince charming, who would take care of me and live happily ever after with. I was the type that wanted to focus on school, my career plans, live life, have fun, and not worry about anybody but myself. However, I think I was the exception. I think that most young girls think about getting married and they carry those ideals with them into woman hood. Those ideals finally caught up with me because even though I had no intentions of ever getting married I ended up falling in love 11 years ago and here I am a married woman. I guess sometimes life doesn’t go according to planned.

With that said I was the first one out of my circle of friends to get married. As the years passed and everyone settled into their own and got older more and more of my friends have also settled down. Some of them may not be married but they do have a significant other. I think this is just a natural progression of life but I still have a few friends that are still “unattached” or for lack of a better word, single.  When I was younger I enjoyed being single and it wasn’t because guys didn’t want to date me seriously, they did, but my decision to remain single was my choice as  I’m very well aware may be the case for some of my single friends.  However, now that I am older and have been involved in a long-term relationship, I now know that the single scene is not for me. I love the idea of having someone to come home to, of having someone that I can count on unconditionally, and having someone that I know has my back no matter what.

Being single now-a-days is tough. Most women are easy and give it up on the first date. Men feel like they don’t have to put any effort into impressing you and think they can treat you like they treat the chick from the strip club. It seems like everyone seems to just be in it for themselves. The dating scene is different and the mechanics of dating are different. There’s Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, and so many matchmaking websites that the interaction that used to occur between men and women is now limited to awaiting an email, an I.M., or a twitter update. There’s no more face to face contact. There’s no more looking across a room and seeing an attractive face look back at you and figuring out how you’re going to approach that person because once they’re gone they may be gone forever.

Back in the day, before computers became an every day part of our day to day lives you really had to put some effort into trying to make that first contact. Today, between all the social networking websites there’s no real incentive to make that personal first contact. Men and women are hiding behind the security of their computers and they’re free to do and say whatever they want because they don’t have to worry about being rejected. If the person on the other side of the computer doesn’t like them, they can just close their browser. Dating has become so impersonal. I say this because earlier this week  I was talking to a single friend of mine and she was saying how difficult it is to find a decent single man.  She is becoming frustrated with the dating scene and with the caliber of men available. In short, she’s not impressed by anyone she meets and what’s worse is that the men she meets don’t even try to impress her.

My friend is a beautiful, independent, extremely focused and motivated woman. She has a good head on her shoulders and has pretty much been taking care of herself all of her life but she’s now at the age where she wants to share her life with somebody. Part of our conversation involved how dating has changed and how frustrated she is that men have become so lazy when it comes to approaching women. They just don’t do it anymore, according to her. They want the woman to do it all.  Hence, they have what I call the computer love syndrome.

These men have become accustomed to finding love by sitting behind their computer that when confronted with a real live, breathing woman they either have no clue as to what to do or just don’t have enough confidence or swagger to make the first move.  And while my friend is independent she still does hold some traditional values like the man should make the first move.

After her and I talked, I started thinking about why such a good woman is still single. Could it be that men are intimidated by her so they don’t approach her? Could it be that she comes off as  high maintenance? Or maybe she has set unrealistic standards for the type of man that she wants? I’m not really sure what it is but it forced me to wonder why are individuals that want love still single?

My only suggestion is that if you’re a person that wants to be in a relationship then maybe you have to re-evaluate all of your past relationships and analyze why they didn’t work. You’re not with those individuals for a reason. If you’re still looking for the same type of characteristics that attracted you to your previous partners then maybe its time to try something different. If you normally like the bad boy/girl types, or the types that wear timbs (Timberland Boots) and  Yankee fitted caps all day then maybe it’s time to try a man that’s clean cut and wears suits and khakis.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a woman looking for love or a man looking for love the idea is that you open your mind and heart to something new and different from your norm. Maybe you should give someone a shot that is not what you would usually go for. Sometimes a change is needed (see my daily quote on the side bar). Change is the path to the future. You have to be willing to go outside of your comfort zone and challenge yourself. Clothes and materialistic things don’t define the person or change who they are inside. So just because a man doesn’t wear timbs all day everyday doesn’t mean that he can’t be the right man for you. He may very well be but you’ll never know because you can’t get passed what he’s wearing or passed whatever other criteria you may have for your idea of the perfect partner. It’s like when you go shopping, just because a shoe may be your size doesn’t mean that it’s a perfect fit. Sometimes when it comes to finding love you have to willing to try something different.

Any thoughts?

Originally posted on August 28, 2009

8 thoughts on “Why Can’t I Find “The One”?

  1. It’s so true that many have so much against them finding the one, be it, technology, ones courage, standards and so forth. I ,for one, am also lucky to have found my soulmate 15 years ago. However, I can totally relate to you with having a friend who is looking but cant find. I just had a conversation with her as well, telling her that she has such high standards and maybe she needs lower them a little or maybe just stop looking and it’ll happen. I know thing arent the same as they use to be but, I believe that if it was meant to be it’ll happen. One should re-evaluate themsleves before they become so critical of others as well. maybe take a class in sociology and take a step outside the box. When you open yourself up to different things, your options increase, leaving you with more choices.


    1. Very well said Cindy, “When you open yourself up to different things, your options increase, leaving you with more choices.” What a great statement. I couldn’t have said it better myself 🙂


  2. I have to say that I agree with what I have beed reading so far. I am one of those, as opposed to you, that dreamed of getting married and having that life that was instilled in us as young girls. Having the dress, the perfect wedding, the perfect husband and the perfect life. Yes, life doesn’t always go as planned but then again those unexpected plans that life throws at us, may surpass all of our expectations we had for ourselves such as in your case. I love being married but of course it is tough work. Like many of my friends, colleagues and family have said, it’s even tougher to keep a marriage than to raise children.


  3. Great thoughts! I have to say, even in this day modern day of email, blackberry’s, twitter, FB and whatever else have you. I found my dream man the good old fashion way, drunk in a club, lol!! I agree with your friend, i think men want to put in less effort initially. Sometimes, they’re just out with their friends just trying to have a good time and not really thinking about approaching us. As woman we’ve done it. My advise, if you see something you like, just go for it. You never know what can happen. I did and I couldn’t be happier. Sometimes we have to let men know how good we are for them, lol!!


    1. Yes, I found my husband drunk in a club too. lol.Who would’ve kown that you could find love in the midst of loud music, alcohol, and dancing. I guess it just goes to show that anything is possible. 😉


  4. I couldn’t agree more, I was in a similar situation always attracted to the bad boy type until I met someone that was at first my friend (friends & Lovers) as in one of your previous blogs. He was not the thuggish type but complete opposite I would have never given him a second glance but as I matured and broadened my horizons I saw in my friend at the time a handsome, sweet, well dressed clean cut guy that was there for me when I needed him and what was once a friendship grew into something much deeper, somethiing that I’ve never had before in my life (true love) now 4 years later I share my life with my friend and my lover and I couldn’t be happier. Definitely re-evaluate yourself and you will automatically re-evaluate what you want in a partner.


    1. That’s a great story. I guess you’re proof that we ourselves don’t always know what’s best for us. Sometimes what we need is right in front of our face but our own stubborness of unwillingness to try something different prevents us from finding our true happiness. Sometimes you just have to get out of your own way.


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