Relationships are something else. Those that are in one want to get out of it and those that aren’t in one want one. At this present time I know about 5 different people with relationship issues. The majority of them have found themselves single because either they or their significant other “doesn’t know what they want” right now. Oh, how I hate that explanation.

In fact, it really isn’t an explanation at all. What it is, is a cop out. They know exactly what they want. They’re just too afraid of being straight up with you and say “this just isn’t working for me and I want to move on to see if I can find something that does”. Instead of being honest they say things like the aforementioned or “it’s not you it’s me”. Give me a break. Those lines are older than Jesus himself.

I remember when I was on the dating scene I never had these issues because I’ve never had a problem saying how I feel. Anyone that really knows me knows that I am probably one of the most upfront and blunt individuals when it comes to relationships. Sometimes that gets me in trouble because I end up hurting someone’s feelings unintentionally.

When I was in high school I dated probably one of the nicest guys that I’ve ever known. I knew him for years. We literally grew up together, we knew each other since the first grade so when we started dating in high school it seemed really natural because we were friends.

He was the nicest, sweetest guy I had ever gone out with up to that point. He came from a good family, he was good looking, smart, and was completely into me and I into him. He did anything to make me happy, well back then it seemed like he did. In retrospect, we were in high school so it probably didn’t take much to make me happy but it was always the small things that really mattered to me.

Like the fact that he would travel on the hour long train ride from Brooklyn into Queens everyday after school just to see me for a couple of hours; or how we would spend hours talking on the phone whenever we weren’t with each other; or how he was always my shoulder to cry on. I was going through some personal family issues at the time and not only was he my boyfriend but he was my best friend. The bottom line is that he was always there for me. There wasn’t anything that he wouldn’t do for me but after a few months of dating and extreme stupidity, I realized that I didn’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with him anymore and I told him so. Like I said we were in high school probably 16-17 yrs old  and when you’re that age it’s very easy to become distracted.

I was  young, self-centered (like most of us are at that age) and I didn’t want to be tied down. When I told him that I wanted to date other people he didn’t take it well. But what would have been the alternative, stay with him and date other guys behind his back? I could have done that but I didn’t want to. I respected and cared for him too much to do that to him. Plus I knew that if I did that and he found out it would have hurt him more.

Looking back now I realize that I probably should have taken a more tactful approach at breaking up with him but sometimes being clear and to the point is the best way to ensure that the message that you’re trying to convey is heard.

When we’re in relationships and we’re in love we tend to read into things that just aren’t there. So when some one says to us “I’m just not sure what I want” the person hearing it interprets it as “he/she is just scared to be in a relationship. They really want to be with me they just don’t want to get hurt so we should take it slow”. The latter part is what the “in love” person hears but the person saying it isn’t saying that at all. What they really want to say is that they no longer want to be with you but they don’t want to hurt your feelings and so they use one of those cop-out lines.

This is why sometimes it’s best to just say exactly how you feel even if it’s going to hurt the other person. Pain with time goes away but once you lose respect for a person that’s hard to get back. And a loss of respect is what will happen if the person you are trying to break up with is led on to believe that they still have a chance with you and you really have no intention of being with them.

A friend of mine is going through a similar situation with her boyfriend. He pretty much has her on standby because he “needed to figure some things out”. Her boyfriend isn’t sure of what he wants out of life right now but he wants to have her waiting on the side lines until he figures it out. If you’re shaking your head saying “yea right” to yourself then you and I had the same reaction. Seriously, you have got to be kidding me. How can someone be so damn selfish?

When I heard this it literally pissed me off because my friend is a great person and any person would be lucky to have her. But I guess it’s like the old cliché, you never really know what you have until it’s gone. And I can almost bet that once she really moves on her boyfriend will regret his decision.

I told my friend that although her beau may not know what he wants right now she can’t waste her time waiting for him to figure it out. She needs to move on and once he comes to a decision about what he wants for his life then they can talk about what their future holds. If it turns out that there is no future for them then she should just take it as a lesson learned. But to be left in limbo not knowing which direction he is going to take is not fair to her and is very selfish on his part. And don’t get me wrong it’s not only men that play this game. I know plenty of women that do the same thing to men and it just isn’t right.

Women complain about the lack of good men out there but there are good men out there. Women just have to learn how to appreciate the good ones when they come along. You can’t compare a new love interest to your past relationship because if you do then you don’t give the new guy a fair chance. Not all men are bad ladies, believe me, I know a few good ones. Just stop being your own worst enemy. We all deserve to be loved and be happy.

Sometimes I wonder what it is about relationships that make most people effin crazy?? I have another friend that has been dating the same guy for 5 years and for 5 years the guy has yet to make any real significant moves or commitment when it comes to their relationship. He says that he loves her and he even wants to have a baby with her but when the topic of marriage and really making a life together comes up all he can say is that he’s “scared”. I had another “Are you kidding me” moment when I heard this. Because basically what dude is saying is “I can commit to you and have a baby with you but I don’t know about marriage and everything else that comes with a making a real life together.” *Side eye*

What the hell is wrong with some of these men today? SMH. I feel like if I shake my head anymore that I’m going to shake it right off. As soon as my friend told him that she had decided to move on he wasn’t trying to hear it. Again, this is another example of a selfish man wanting his woman to stick around by the sidelines until he decides what is that he wants.

I don’t know if people realize this but it’s a new world out there and there are plenty of people willing to take your spot in your relationship if you don’t want to be there. So for all you people (women AND men) that are in relationships but aren’t sure of what you want you better make up your mind quick because in an instant you could probably lose the best thing that has ever happened to you. Don’t lose your love because you’re scared or confused. Take a chance on love because it just might work out for you in the end!

 

 

*Originally posted 4/22/10*